Break up (3rd July 2005)

Well, this is a post just to clear up any gossips and rumours that anyone has. I got into a relationship back in early December. It actually lasted till the above date, making it 6 months and almost 3 weeks. Simply put, the secrecy was coz we were both not very comfortable about telling others yet but it's over now. And that's all to it.

Volunteer Cleaner (3rd July 2005)

On that day, I started helping out in the church, cleaning it. Basically, I come in 10am - 4pm every weekday and vacumn the office corridors and rooms, clean the windows on the doors (all that fingerprint stains...), clean toilets and mop floors. Oh! I also empty the bins in all the offices.

Ironically, I'm cleaning around the church though my own room is not so well maintained. Better still, I sort of volunteered to do all this. Heh.

Well, it's actually quite nice and quite exciting seeing how the church operates. Also, I'm learning to sleep earlier and hopefully, becoming stronger. Cleaning is hard work! Pretty much tired out everytime I get back. Also, this gives me a whole new appreciation for the things a cleaner has to do.

Exam results (3rd July 2005)

I got my provisional result on that day and unless something extraordinary happens, I'll be graduating with a 2.1 (second upper) degree. Technically, this means an average of 60 to 70% but in my case, my average was 58.3%. According to the 3rd year supervisor, the examination board examined my results and my past results and decided that I'm worthy of the promotion to 2.1.

Personally, I'm quite happy and relieved to get a quite good degree since I did slack off for my 2nd and 3rd year. But because I did slack off, there will always be the sense of disappointment that I could have done much, much better. If I had worked hard, I probably would have gotten a 1st class. Or at the very least, I would not have to worry about failing or not getting a degree in the week between the end of exams and the results coming out. Also, I definitely won't appreciate the degree because I did not deserve it.

This is my personal example for all those who always said being smart is good enough. True, I did better than some who worked harder than me, but it's not something I'll ever be proud of or be satisfied with. Having felt both ends of the spectrum, I think I can safely say I'd rather fail knowing I did my best than to do well without working hard. It's like getting a present for doing nothing. You won't appreciate it and it'll probably be something best forgotten. Not something I'd like to say about my degree.

Oh! And if anyone says there are those who would really wish they could get my kind off degree, I would be happy to give it to them. I'd rather earn a lower degree than get a high degree that's not earnt.

Oh well, looking on the bright side, I have manage to put some of my own philosophy to the test and I'm quite happy to say, I do live up to my words. Though there was that worry of failing, I stuck to my philosophy that it's over with and there's nothing I can do about it. So, I never worried about my results but only discuss it when someone brings up the subject. As a result, I had quite a good time that week.

Also, this also proves that smartness does help quite a bit but in the long run, it's not the done deal. Also, hard work is much preferable since it won't leave a sense of disappointment or a bad taste in the mouth in the end.

I also realize how valuable that first year back in Taylor's was. Though it wasn't valuable academically (at least, not much), it was extremely precious to me doing well enough to earn the push to the 2.1. Many a times I find myself being able to explain notes to my friends though I have not gone through them myself. In fact, I can put the reasons behind my lower results due to

1. cannot remember the right points/formulas to use in the situation
2. not having time because was solving problems slower as it's not second nature to me

Both reasons could have been remedied if I had studied earlier and much harder. So, for me, studying was not exactly for understanding the notes but to make it second nature to me. Also made me realize the importance of understanding everything I do study and not just memorize blindly. Because memory work can be forgotten and can only be applied in limited applications. But understanding is something that I can bring to the grave and can be applied in many more situations.

This is also motivation for me not to procrastinate anymore. Partly why I failed to study was the failure to get started until it was too late. (Note: still having problems in this area but hopefully, it's something I can discipline soon).

All in all, this degree has taught me a lot of lessons, all of which are invaluable. Course, I wouldn't have wished for it but I'm not really wishing that it'll go away either.

Miracle! (3rd July 2005)

As of June, I had only about £70+ to spend for the entire month. This was due to a large sum of my money being stuck in a High Interest Savings Account (HISA). For those who don't know it, HISA is a cross between a savings account and a fixed deposit. You can put money in at any time but it requires 60 days notice to take any money out or else a fee will be charged.

As I said, a bulk of my money was stuck in such an account but I wasn't too worried because most of it is going to be withdrawn soon. My biggest issue was closing the account as 60 days from the 6th was the 5th of August, the date I'm flying back.

When I got to the bank, I set out to close the account. To my surprise and delight, the bank just changed their policy on that account! I can now withdraw the money as and when I want to! In other words the HISA is now like my savings account but with a higher interest!

The miracle of it is, HSBC changed that policy that very morning! So, if I had gone the friday before as I originally planned, I would have ended up with less money for the next few days and having money stuck till my flight date. Now, I miraculously have all the money at my disposal and still get quite a sum from the interest. God really works in mysterious ways... ^_^

Life's Perfect (3rd July 2005)

Okay, I'll bet no one agrees with me. I also thought life was a little unfair at times and that in utopia, everyone would be happy. Then I came to realize, it's what we think that's unfair that's actually going to make us happy. So in a way, life is perfect.

I have always thought of Utopia as a place where all humans are living in harmony. Where there is no more conflict, no more problems. Humans are happy. There will no longer be sadness, heartache or disappointment. In fact, I have always lived a conservative live to avoid such feelings. You cannot be sad if there's nothing to be really sad about. Failure does not exist if we do not try.

From that last statement, I have come to realize that the good and the bad co-exist. In order for us to achieve great things, we must first fail sometimes. A good quote from the movie Batman Begins (incidentally, a very good movie. I recommend it to everyone) is, "Why do we fall? So that may we learn how to pick ourselves back up." Along the same lines, in order to truly appreciate the things around us, sometimes we must first lose it. We cannot truly appreciate our friends until we receive their help when we fall. For us to develop close bonds with those around us, we must allow ourselves to get close to them, to trust them, to give them the chance to break our hearts.

As another saying goes, "Life is a mirror." Which is very true and yet, quite strange. If we trust the people around us, we realize that trust is given back to us. When we start to open our hearts to others, they will in turn open their hearts to us. As far as I know, as long as we don't decide to make a move, nothing can happen. That's amazing considering how usually, we always try to have a safety net before we move ahead. But the ones who achieve the most are usually the ones who take the biggest risk. The ones who operate without something to actually fall back to. Truly, if we expect nothing but the best, we frequently get it.

Of course, along the way there are bound to be many oppositions, sadness, disappointments and failures. But what's important is to realize that those failures are actually lessons in disguise. We never really learn our lesson until we truly fall. For example, kids only learn when something is bad when they are punished for it. And those are the lessons we will always remember.

The alternative is to live a very conservative and sheltered life. Stick close to the people we know, don't try anything that looks too risky, living with our 'comfort zone'. If that's the kind of life you prefer, go ahead. Whatever makes you happy. But I must warn you now, you're missing out on all the great things that life has in store for you. Living within what is comfortable is boring. You do the same things everyday. You take the same routes. You don't try something new (unless maybe with a friend). You stick with the same friends and keep everything as constant as you can.

That's the safe life. Nothing out of the ordinary, very comfortable. But, as I said, there's so much that you'll be missing out on. If you keep taking the same routes, you might miss out on a shorter route. Or even, a more interesting route. Trying something new is frightening, uncomfortable even. But as we go through it, we will get used to it. We would have learn something new and quite possible, develop a new interest. We might also make new friends, develop better bonds. In fact, we might even find a new best friend or soulmate when we step out. Whatever the consequence, the new journey will be exciting and adventurous. And with the right mindset, we might even enjoy it.

Also, there's the fact that life is never stagnant. All around us, our world is constantly changing. Routes we usually take might be closed for some reason or another. Friends come and go as they go out, living out their lives. Sooner or later, we will have to adapt to changes. Since that's a fact of life, we might as well accept that and begin to enjoy the ride.

I like to relate life to a very long road. If we take the safe route, it's akin to taking the highway of life. Broad, straight road. No unexpected twist, no twisting and turning, making you carsick. Of course, it's quite boring (espeically Malaysian highways which cut through hills and cleared lands with nothing to see) and uneventful but at least you get to your destination in one piece. But, I'd rather take the road less taken. The back roads that hardly anyone would take. True, it's winding, small, hard to drive. But, it's also more interesting. First of all, navigating through all the twist and turns is going to be interesting. The view would probably be more fascinating as you probably go through small towns and around or over hills. And then, there are the unexpected glitches along the way that makes me work around them. It's a tougher route but definitely, more exciting and entertaining. I'll get to the final destination bruised, maybe even dented but it'll all be worth it.

So, if problems (that includes some unfairness) are part and parcel of life, doesn't that make it better that it still exist? We could be depriving the future generation of opportunities to build character! Having these thoughts through my head, made my passion for making the world a better place seem... pointless in a way.

Then, thanks to some friends' advice and a spam email (God works in mysterious ways...), I started to get a new understanding for life. It's true that problems build character but injustice must still be fought. Character is built by overcoming those problems. Injustice is meant to be fought. It exist to give an opportunity for us to rise up and become strong. Plus, it fuels the next generation to fight other injustice. I can firmly believe in the impossible because those before me have done so and proven it right countless time. And there's no worry about the new generation having life too easy. I notice how certain problems are age old. Also, there will always be new problems cropping up. And finally, at any rate, God has a plan for them. Far be it that I play God and start to plan so far ahead.

In the end, I have come to realize that Utopia does not exist. And Utopia can never exist because we need our world to be non-ideal. If our world is ever ideal, someone else's world won't be and the cycle of changes continues. Also, living in an ideal world is bad. I wouldn't want to spend all my time just lazing about. It's so boring and pretty much, nothing better than being a robot. But at the same time, doing the opposite (which is to just accept the problems will occur) is also bad. By doing so, we end up not doing anything and just live life and accept all things as going to happen. That's a slippery slope to destruction. We were given a heart and mind to go out and accomplish great things, to fight the injustice in the world. As far as I comprehend now, problems exist and will continue to exist but they exist to build us up, to make us stronger. As such, I will continue to fight the problems of this world but with a new understanding that the imperfectness around us is what makes this life so wonderful and actually, quite perfect.

Burned Hand (1st July 2005)

On the date above, I burnt my hand by accident. Was putting something in the oven to cook when I accidentally touch the top inside of the oven.


The burn on the hand

After 10 days, the burn looks like this:

The burn 10 days old


The burn after it healed

Though it's healed and no longer hurts, the mark is still on my hand. Do I look more macho now? =P

P.S. This post is the first using Geocities to host my pictures and also the first photos I edit.